I know I keep saying it, but I have amazing trainers. As most of you will know, I recently signed up for the Evolving Physiques Winter Games, which means another weights program after I finish this one. I was having a low moment on Wednesday and confessed to Pat that I didn't feel like I was going to reach my goals this FIRE program and would have to reach them next program, which made me sad.
Pat knows me very well and, rather than trying to bolster me up on the spot, he just asked me why I was feeling that way. I couldn't pinpoint exactly what was making me feel like that, but did talk to him about how I wanted to feel confident out in the real world the way I felt confident at EP and Divas. EP and Divas are my safe places, my happy places, the places where I feel safe trying new things and shouting my accomplishments to the world. They are also two places where I feel comfortable in my body and don't see my flaws the way I do when I'm in other places. In other words, pole dancing and weight lifting are two things I love, and I love myself when I'm doing them and the places where I do them, but most of that confidence ebbs away when I'm out in the real world and I'd rather just be in the background.
I have had people in the past compliment me for being 'unassuming', 'quiet' and 'modest', but reflecting on my insecurities with Pat on Wednesday night made me realise that I am 'unassuming' to the point of letting people dictate to me what I should be doing at any given moment; I am 'quiet' to the point of not speaking up when I am uncomfortable or disagree and I have a tendency to be 'modest' to such an extent that I allow others to take credit for my achievements. These reflections brought me up short as I realised this is not the person I want to be. I'm not that person when I'm at EP, I'm not that person when I'm at Divas, but I become this person when I step out into the real world. Why? I don't honestly know. I've probably been inadvertently taught over my life (as most young women are) not to be 'argumentative, vain or loud', but that's been internalised to such a degree that people who meet me at EP or Divas probably wouldn't know me if they'd met me elsewhere or vice versa: I might as well be two different people.
Pat suggested to me that I give a name to the space I get into when I feel confident, empowered and self-assured, the way I feel when I'm at Divas or EP. I have mentioned before that giving something a name gives it power and grounds it in reality.
So, without further ado, please allow me to introduce...
The J-Zone is the place where I can do anything, where my accomplishments are mine and I don't have to be ashamed of being proud of myself. It's where I feel comfortable wearing what I want and expressing myself without fear of being judged. The J-Zone is where I wanna have my feet firmly placed in all walks of my life, not just when I'm doing the things I love doing.
Oh, and that place I've been visiting inhabited by that person who'd really rather not be seen, heard or noticed at all? Yeah, that's the VICTORIAN ERA, and a confident, determined, twenty-first century woman sure as hell doesn't belong in that place: I'm heading for the J-ZONE.
You don't find the willpower - you create it.
Me With No Apologies.